This page is about going from broken to whole. Release from the compulsion of self harm called addiction. Trusting the Energy of Life that we all are inextricably a part of and that is a part of us.
Through “Global Disintegration” the death of what was, the birth of something new and seeing things in a New Light.
I was in the “Program” for over 20 years and believed myself to be alcoholic and addict. I went out after 20 years, came back about ten years later and was glad to be there. I always felt being in the program was my best option. My son Michael had also gotten in to the program. I believe today more so than I did when I was in the program that Bill Wilson did indeed have a spiritual experience and thus inspired the program he helped put together.
On September 16, 2016 I found my 23 year old son Michael dead on the couch. He died not from addiction, but the cure. I’ll write more about that at a later date. Wonderful people in and out of the program helped me after Michael died. I will always be grateful to the kindness they showed me and still consider them my people. They are one of the reasons I am writing this.
Michael’s death shattered me in a way that my bottoms pushing me to recovery never had. I was at ground zero after Michael died. Everything I thought, everything I believed was over as far as I was concerned. All of it shit, done. I fucking wanted to die. I went to meetings, saw a therapist, went back to work and vaped THC. I felt like I was crawling just to survive. My therapist suggested if we were going to put me back together, perhaps we would leave out the pieces that didn’t work. He was also the only one of my therapists who ever told me that the voices in my head that told me I was shit, that I had put there and they came from somewhere.
I held on to the “connection” I had with my son for dear life. I knew that this connection, this Love was the only “Truth” in my life. The only thing I’d ever really believed in or trusted was the Love I shared with Mike. I wanted to die so that the pain would end, but I knew that my son had loved me and I just couldn’t kill myself, although I wanted to die for awhile.
I started to have new thoughts about Value, began looking at myself in a different light. Through the light that is the Love that I shared with my son. This in effect became a new lens from which I started to view things. I knew that my son had valued me as I did him, why did I not value myself? How do you treat something you value? These questions and their answer have become my lodestar. This Love, became a lens of truth. Effectually hitting a switch and seeing myself, my life and what I thought about myself and who I was in a completely new light, changing EVERYTHING.
On July 7, 2018 I was to have an amazing experience, a connection and a Light, one word spoken”Opposites”. (To Be Continued)