Opposites Part I

My love, Mike

This page is about going from broken to whole. Release from the compulsion of self harm called addiction. Trusting the Energy of Life that we all are inextricably a part of and that is a part of us. Through “Global Disintegration” the death of what was, the birth of something new and seeing things from a New Light.

After 20 years in the program I went out for about ten years and then came back in. My son Michael eventually had also gotten into the program, heroin.

On September 16, 2016 I found my 23 year old son Michael dead on the couch. He died not from his addiction, but from the cure. I’ll write more about that at a later date. Wonderful people in and out of the program helped me after Michael died. I will always be grateful to the kindness they showed me and consider them special people. They are one of the reasons I am writing this.

Michael’s death shattered me in a way that my bottom never had. I was at ground zero after Michael died. Everything I thought, everything I believed was over as far as I was concerned. Fuck all of it, I was fucking done and I wanted to die. I cursed , I screamed and I cried. I feel that who I was did indeed die. I went to meetings, saw a therapist, read, went back to work and vaped THC. I felt like I was crawling just to survive. My therapist suggested if we were going to put me back together, perhaps we would leave out the pieces that didn’t work. He was also the only therapist who ever told me that the voices in my head saying I was shit that I had put them there; It was my mothers voice I had put in my own head. For me this meant if I put it there, then I could get rid of it.

I trusted and held on to the connection I had with my son for dear life. I knew that this connection, this Love was the Truest thing in my life. The only thing I had ever really believed or trusted in my whole fucking life was how much I loved my son. Thinking of my love for Mike and his love for me is what comforted me, and still does today. I trusted this Love.

I started to have new thoughts about Value, began looking at myself in a different light. The light that is the Love that I shared with my son. This in effect became a new lens from which I started to view things. I knew that my son had valued me as I did him, why did I not value myself? How do you treat something you value? These questions and their answer have become my lodestar. This Love, became a lens of truth. Effectually flipping a switch and seeing myself, my life and what I thought about myself and who I was in a completely New Light.

On July 7, 2018 I was to have an amazing experience, a Connection and a Light, one word spoken”Opposites” which was to change everything.

(To Be Continued)