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Opposites Part III

Its been almost two years since my Spiritual Experience of the Light and “Opposites”. This is what I’ve come to know so far.

There is more than us. There is more than what we think, there is more than what we see. The Energy of Life/Love we are all part and parcel of, is us and is more than us. IT IS TO BE TRUSTED so we can Trust Ourselves. By being alive you are part of something that is more than human,The Energy of Life/Love. Man can reproduce but as a species we cannot replicate Life/Love. Physics tells us today that everything including us breaks down to energy, quarks, and is connected. This Energy is us and our Source. Everything we know a manifestation of this Energy. Our connections with others a reflection of this Energy.

During my spiritual experience on 7-7-18 I felt that I had always been loved and perfect as I was and that it was because of my parents that I came to feel those ways about myself. I understand today that the beliefs I had about myself were subjective to the people who raised me and my time in history. I experienced the Truth that day and it continues to change me. We are all a manifestation of the Energy of Life and Love. This Energy has a Source that is not us and it is to be trusted. This truth acts like a Load star and Reconciles the Opposites that we are. Trusting the Energy of Life and Love we are. Synchronizing to Life which is a constant variable. Trust that you and everything else is as it should be at this moment regardless of your own thoughts. That you are exactly as you should be at this moment and if the Energy of Life wants you different, make it so. Trust the Energy of Life and Love that YOU ARE.

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Opposites Part II

The word Value kept coming to me after Michael died. That he had valued me, why did I not value myself? Not only didn’t I value myself, I hated myself and I never fucking knew it. All those years in the program. I had worked the steps, worked with sponsors and psychologists, still I didn’t know that I hated myself. During those years in AA I would think to myself that I had a blind spot. That life in one way or another would always seem to get fucked up. They called it “Whack a Mole” in the program, get one thing under control shit fucks up somewhere else. For me it was losing jobs, my behavior, my weight, money and relationship problems. Basically I had issues with literally everything else without using. I knew it was me but I couldn’t fix it, even with help. Selfish and self centered , afraid we are not going to get what we want, that’s the programs explanation. I’ve come to understand it as a manifestation, not the problem. I believe self hatred is the problem. How do you treat something you love and value? How do you treat yourself? These questions were of vital importance to me.

I came across Peg Streep’s book Daughter Detox, Recovering from an Unloving Mother . A wonderful book that really helped me, thank you Ms. Streep. Even though the book clearly depicted me as the scapegoated child of a narcissistic mother, it wasn’t until after my mother died almost 2 years after Mike that I began to see myself and my family in a whole new light. At first I really couldn’t believe it even though it was plain to see. All the horror stories that were told of me and my bad behavior growing up I began to see differently; as a smart,sensitive, strong and creative child rebelling against the unacceptable conditions of her life, not the bad fucking seed. It’s as if I had grown up in a world turned upside down my whole life and it was finally starting to right itself. I had believed everything my mother told me for 56 years. That I was broken, defective since I was born, too sensitive, too serious and too big. Too everything. It became a self fulfilling prophecy.

In the summer of 2018 I joined a club with a pool to use in the summer. I love the water, I always have, love to swim. Michael had been dead almost two years and my mother had died that past April. At home I had been doing healing visual work with Allan Watts videos, healing meditations, writing and reading. I was still working with my therapist, going to work, meetings, using my vape.

I need to interject for a moment, because this has direct relevance to the rest of the story. The night Michael died I saw him in a dream. He was so radiant I barely recognized him. I never forgot the dream or how he looked in it. Radiant, golden with his head back and arms raised like Rocky, an amazing brilliance emanating from him. When I did healing meditations I would visualize this light I had seen emanating from Michael, coming out of me and healing me. So,

I’d gotten myself a raft, some waterproof earbuds and I was ready to float and do some visual healing while listening to Portugal the Man. It’s July 7, 2018 just 2 days before my 56 Birthday. I’m floating in the pool, eyes closed and I’m envisioning laying there holding Michael’s hand with this light coming out of me healing me.

My eyes are closed , then slowly as if a veil is being pulled aside from my left eye, I see the most amazing light; not with my eyes but in my minds eye. It is more radiant than the light I had seen in the dream with Michael. It is the love I feel for my son a million times over. It looks like liquid golden light, radiating, pulsing alive. I feel the most beautiful love emanating from this Light, it is beyond words and any human experience I have ever had. Ecstasy and rapture are the closest words I can get to describe this. Words cannot adequately describe this experience.

I am no longer aware of being on the raft but am in and out of my body somehow. Even though no words are spoken I hear, but not with my ears, “There had never been anything wrong with me, that it was because of my parents that I had come to feel those ways about myself and that I’d always been loved and perfect as I was . Would I consider sticking around to help other people?” Then one word almost feeling and hearing it with my whole body, seemed to come out of my abdomen and chest and around me….”Opposites”. I open my eyes, looking at the clouds realizing that everything is connected. I feel this incredible energy, like white noise, static, as if I have been living in the middle of a cyclone for my whole life shut down, and it is quiet. I feel quieter than I can ever remember feeling before. Like an incredible wind I wasn’t aware of had been blowing my whole life and it finally stopped.

Then I come to, like coming out of a trance and I hear a boy saying “Leaky Pipe, Leaky Pipe” as he slaps his noodle back and forth on top of the water. He’s the only one in the pool now as I get out of the water to find his mother. After the experience I’ve just had this only kid in the pool with his noodle that he’s slapping back and forth saying leaky pipe, seems like it’s meant for me. I find his mother on the other side of the pool and say;

“Hey, my kids are grown up but I’m wondering the leaky pipe, leaky pipe thing is it a game, a show?” She says no, her son is Autistic and they are trying to teach him to make the right connections.

The right connections. I understand at that moment and through the next year or so that I have always had the capacity to make connections others generally don’t, to solve problems in new and unique ways. (to be continued)

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Opposites Part I

This page is about going from broken to whole. Release from the compulsion of self harm called addiction. Trusting the Energy of Life that we all are inextricably a part of and that is a part of us. 

Through “Global Disintegration” the death of what was, the birth of something new and seeing things in a New Light.

I was in the “Program” for over 20 years and believed myself to be alcoholic and addict. I went out after 20 years, came back about ten years later and was glad to be there. I always felt being in the program was my best option. My son Michael had also gotten in to the program. I believe today more so than I did when I was in the program that Bill Wilson did indeed have a spiritual experience and thus inspired the program he helped put together.

On September 16, 2016 I found my 23 year old son Michael dead on the couch. He died not from addiction, but the cure. I’ll write more about that at a later date. Wonderful people in and out of the program helped me after Michael died. I will always be grateful to the kindness they showed me and still consider them my people. They are one of the reasons I am writing this.

Michael’s death shattered me in a way that my bottoms pushing me to recovery never had. I was at ground zero after Michael died. Everything I thought, everything I believed was over as far as I was concerned. All of it shit, done. I fucking wanted to die. I went to meetings, saw a therapist, went back to work and vaped THC. I felt like I was crawling just to survive. My therapist suggested if we were going to put me back together, perhaps we would leave out the pieces that didn’t work. He was also the only one of my therapists who ever told me that the voices in my head that told me I was shit, that I had put there and they came from somewhere.

I held on to the “connection” I had with my son for dear life. I knew that this connection, this Love was the only “Truth” in my life. The only thing I’d ever really believed in or trusted was the Love I shared with Mike. I wanted to die so that the pain would end, but I knew that my son had loved me and I just couldn’t kill myself, although I wanted to die for awhile.

I started to have new thoughts about Value, began looking at myself in a different light. Through the light that is the Love that I shared with my son. This in effect became a new lens from which I started to view things. I knew that my son had valued me as I did him, why did I not value myself? How do you treat something you value? These questions and their answer have become my lodestar. This Love, became a lens of truth. Effectually hitting a switch and seeing myself, my life and what I thought about myself and who I was in a completely new light, changing EVERYTHING.

On July 7, 2018 I was to have an amazing experience, a connection and a Light, one word spoken”Opposites”. (To Be Continued)